Leaving, Leaving!

“We’re leaving!” announced Linda last summer.

“Surely not so soon?” her girlfriends asked incredulously.

“No, no, no, we’re not ‘leaving, leaving’, we’re not bidding farewell to Oman!” clarified Linda.

“Michael and I are leaving on a long summer holiday to Spain where we have some property. And you know what? The last time we went there, we had bought Omani dates for our friends. And guess what? They had date palms in their backyard and the dates that grew on them were so ripe and juicy…”

Linda always spoke animatedly and was popular among her friends.

Her friends looked forward to hearing stories about her Spanish holiday when she got back.

At a coffee morning at the club after Linda’s return, she sighed and said,

“We’re leaving.”

“Surely not so soon?” her friends asked with concern.

“Oh no, we’re not ‘leaving, leaving’!” said Linda waving ‘farewell’ with her hand.

“Michael and I are leaving our house because our house is too old and parts of the roof caved in while we were on holiday. It looks like a refugee camp right now. We are moving to a villa down the street.”

At Linda’s housewarming party, she declared,

“Friends, we are leaving!”

Her friends had a ‘Now what?’ written on their faces as they gathered in the living room, admiring Linda’s collection of art from different parts of the world.

“Friends, Michael and I are ‘leaving, leaving’!” said Linda emphatically.

Immediately, her circle of friends converged around her and threw a volley of questions.

“Surely not so soon?”

“Isn’t this a housewarming party?”

“How many glasses of wine have you had this evening?”

“What happened?”

“When?”

“Why?”

“Where?”

In that warm circle of concerned faces, Linda had found an international sisterhood that she was surely going to miss terribly.

“Well, you see, yesterday Michael went to the HR office to check why his ‘extension of contract’ letter was delayed. To his amazement, he realized that there would be no further extension of his contract owing to the dip in oil prices. If only he had realized it sooner, we would have moved to a hotel instead of moving into a new house. With some luck and good contacts, he has found another job and we are leaving in two weeks.”

“Oh dear!” exclaimed her friends and gave her a collective hug.

“Now, that gives us very little time to bundle up our life here” said Linda.

Her friends gave suggestions for finding a new job for the maid, for selling the cars, and for finding new homes for the cats (most heartbreaking). Some of them even offered to run errands and to care for Linda’s cats for a while till they found a new home (some consolation).

“I am so glad I have all of you and I will miss you soooo much” Linda’s eyes watered.

“Awww… we will miss you too, Linda.” Another big hug.

Michael walked in at this dramatic moment.

“Hey, you girls are supreme sentimental fools, aren’t you?” More tears and hugs (Michael included!).

“Well” he said, freeing himself from the tangle of middle-aged feminine arms, “In my opinion, our expat lives and moving from place to place prepares us for our final farewell when it is time to meet our Maker.”

Heads nod in agreement as they mull over this third dimension of ‘leaving, leaving, LEAVING!’



(This post was also published in Outpost Muscat Newsletter, Jan-Feb 2016.)

Welcome, Mr. Burglar

Dear Mr. Burglar,

Welcome to our humble house!

You probably knew that we were not at home today because our car was not parked in the driveway. Perhaps you rang the doorbell once, maybe twice, to confirm our absence. Then, you went around the house and may have broken one of the french windows in our living room to let yourself in.  There has been talk around the neighbourhood of your modus operandi. Business is quite brisk these days, huh?

Fortunately, we come from a culture that has taught us to treat any guest as a visiting deity. Now that you have come, we welcome you. Please feel at home and help yourself to the snacks and drinks in the fridge. 
One request - The milk-based, saffron-flavoured dessert in the white ceramic bowl is for our daughter's International Lunch at school tomorrow. It takes a while to make and cannot be bought at the store. So please taste a little if you wish but don't polish it all off because we will be in a fix in the morning if you do. 

Have a good look around after your snack and drink. There are some worthy items in our living room like the LCD TV, the music system, the digital camera, the furniture, and our laptops. If you wish to take any of these, please feel free to do so. These items have served us faithfully for years and have great antique value. On the other hand, if you take these off our hands, we will have a good reason to buy new state-of-the-art models.
One request - You may use the trolley in the laundry room to cart away any bulky items instead of dragging them across the floor. 

There are several books in our living room library on various topics ranging from children's fiction to philosophy. If you or any of your friends are interested in reading, we would strongly recommend a slim volume entitled 'The Bishop's Candlesticks' by Norman McKinnel as this story is about someone in your profession. 
One request - If you find any books with bookmarks inserted in them, please spare them this time. You may either pick them up on your next visit or if you leave us a note, we will arrange to send it to you. We believe that reading liberates a person from baser instincts and should be encouraged in our society. 

Among the children's toys which are scattered all over the house, you may choose any that you like. Who knows, you might even be lucky and find a teddy bear stuffed with diamonds - you know like the ones that we hear about in airport smuggling hauls? You will be proud to show it off and say that you lived up to your name in this business. 
One request - please ignore the mess in our house. It is not always like this, sometimes its even worse. In your quest for treasure, you are welcome, however, to put things in order. 

Most people keep gold, diamonds and important papers in heavy metallic safes. Please don't waste your valuable time in looking for one because we don't have one. We consider safes most unsafe. 
You will find some traditional silver jewellery in a wooden box in the unlocked bedroom cupboard. Most of these pieces are gifts from friends who have left Oman. Although these are cherished gifts, you may take them since you have to live up to your reputation as a burglar. Our friends are in touch with us and our friendship is priceless. 
Here is a challenge - try to sort out the real diamond rings (if any) from the artificial diamond rings kept in the little silk purse next to the jewellery box and take them too. 

However, if it is gold and money you are seeking, you have not chosen the right timing because I have worn my gold jewellery to go out today and we keep all our cash in our purses. 

Better luck next time! 

(Picture courtesy: Google images)

This post was also published in Outpost Oman newsletter Sep-Oct 2015.

A Blonde Moment

I am not blonde and I do not think I am dumb. 
The second-half of the above statement is a subjective observation. 

Most of my blonde friends are very sharp women who have never had a 'blonde moment'. However, we hear dumb blonde jokes and enjoy them if tastefully told. 

And, sometimes, I have my own blonde moments. 

More than once I have tried to open the front door with the car key and vice verse.

Sometimes, I ask unnecessary questions.
Recently, as I was returning home after a stroll in the evening, I met our neighbours - a soft-spoken couple from Kerala.  They were wearing t-shirts, track pants, and walking shoes. 
I asked them,
"So, are you going for a walk?"
Almost instantly, I realised that this was one of my classic blonde moments.  I frantically wished that the spoken word had an 'undo' button. 
Our neighbours could have answered, "No, we are going for a swim" or "No, we are going to the opera".
Thankfully, they are too polite, so they looked at each other, smiled, and the husband said, 
"Yes, that is the plan. Let's see how far we go."

My friends reassure me that one doesn't have to be a blonde to have a 'blonde moment', it happens sometimes because of forgetfulness or by accident. 
I have my doubts. 
Polar bears actually don't have white hair, do they? 

About Santa and Banta

When my childhood friend came down from Canada for the first time after his family had migrated there, he was full of jokes about 'Newfies'. 
They all began with, "There was this Newfie who..."
"Who is a Newfie?" I asked him.
"They are, you know, these stupid guys from Newfoundland who have come to Canada recently and..."
Hmmm, I didn't know whether he realised it but my friend was also a recent immigrant to Canada. Did that fact make him stupid? Not at all.
Probably the Newfies had made these 'Indies' from India as a target of their jokes. 
In this day, when migration from one place to another has become common, targeting the migrants with cheap jokes is a popular online sport. 
...
In India, everybody knows the comical duo - Santa and Banta - the two intellectually-challenged Sardars who feature in most Sardarji jokes.
An example of one such joke: Santa and Banta were playing chess! 
Period. 
It's a one-liner that makes people double over in laughter. 
In reality, all the people that I have known from the Sikh community are clever, enterprising, and fun-loving.
It would be interesting to find out who started these jokes by using the members of this community as easy targets. 
...
It is said that a person's character is revealed by the kind of jokes he laughs at. So let's show some character and think twice before forwarding jokes which make fun of a particular community.

(Picture courtesy: Google images)

Party time (Part II)

When the lady in white was invited to a New Year’s Eve party, her new dress was not ready.

She regretfully wore her second best dress as there was a prize for the Best Dressed Lady. But she proudly wore her new mother-of-pearl-glazed shoes.

As she arrived at the venue that evening, the air was crisp and cool.

She noticed the mermaid sculpture in the corner, the enormous pool, the giant cake, and the pretty dresses of other ladies.

“Hello! Welcome to the party!” said a little girl who was at the entrance handing out flowers to the guests as they arrived.

The lady gently tucked the flower into her hair while thanking the girl.

“Your dress is so pretty!” the girl exclaimed “It’s almost as pretty as the peacock-blue dress of the lady over there.”

The lady looked to where the girl was pointing and noticed the amazing azure dress of the lady who sat with her friends near the poolside.

Catching the attention of the girl, the lady in white said, “I bet her shoes aren’t as good as mine.” So saying, she raised her dress and flung one foot up for the girl to see. Unfortunately, the shoe was loose and went flying in the air.

It landed on the head of an important-looking gentleman who was having an early dinner. His head sank into his dinner plate. He slowly lifted up his curry-stained face and looked around to see where the shoe came from, only to stare right at the welcoming girl. She, in turn, caught a fright and ran away, screaming.

She wasn’t looking where she was going and dashed right into the clay mermaid whose head broke away. Everybody looked up to see who was screaming so the little girl put her own face in place of the mermaid’s. The guests soon went about doing what they were doing as if nothing happened.

The girl threw the head away and it landed on the electric switch button that controlled the lights at the party. Immediately there was darkness all around and women shrieked, “EEEEeee”.

A bald butler, wearing a wig, carried a ladder and a torch to climb up to the switch button to set it right. When he did so, the “EEEeee” shrieks become a relaxed “AHHhh”.

The butler liked this effect so much that he switched the button off and on a couple of times and the women went
“EEEeee......AHHhh”
“EEEeee......AHHhh!”

The butler got so excited with the effect of the screams that he jumped off the ladder right into the big trampoline behind him. His wig bounced up and down on his head as he bounced up and down on the trampoline much to the amusement of the guests who stood around him and clapped.

Meanwhile, another butler was carefully carrying a cake with a candle outside. He bumped against the mermaid’s head and the burning candle fell on a lady’s peacock-blue dress. The lady was animatedly talking to a group of friends in lovely dresses near the pool. Her friends noticed the fire and pushed her into the pool immediately. The water that splashed out of the pool drenched the beautiful dresses of all her friends.

In the dining room, the lady in white was limping around looking for her lost shoe. There were so many people in there that she found it difficult to get around without bumping into someone. “How I wish everybody would leave this room so I can find where my shoe has gone!” she said to herself.

“FIRE!” someone outside shouted. There was a mad rush to leave the dining room.

“Now that is wishful thinking, isn’t it?” the lady in white said to herself.

Much to her relief, she found her shoe on a dinner plate on one of the tables. She wiped it on a napkin and walked out proudly to see what the fuss was all about.

It was then that they announced that it was time to crown the Best Dressed Lady.

The lady in white grandiosely walked up to the stage only to find herself among water-drenched beauties with soggy hairstyles.

Our lady in white won the competition with her unruffled hairdo, her second best dress, and of course, her mother-of-pearl shoes.

(Picture courtesy: Google Images)

(The Lady in White is Anna's creation. If you are in the mood for humour, do look up the label on top for more such stories.)

Party time (Part I)

"No, these are simply not the right ones" thought the Lady in White as she flung the peep-toe shoes back into the shoe rack.
"I need new shoes, if not a new dress to wear tonight" she thought.
She was disappointed to wear an old dress for the New Year's Party at the Ritz. She had worn that dress before for a movie star's wedding and although it was quite trendy, it was beneath her standards to wear it again for a party where there would be a prize for the best-dressed. The dress that she had planned to wear was still at the dressmakers shop - the embroiderer was sick and couldn't complete his work on time.
"Well, just this once, I will make an exception and wear the same dress twice" she decided "but I must get new shoes at any cost."
...
After dressing up for the party, she went to the elite mall downtown.
To get to the shoe shops, she had to pass by the extensive perfume and make-up section. It was then that she saw the following sign:
FREE MAKE-UP DEMO TODAY
It was a leading cosmetics company promoting their latest make-up products. The make-up would be done by experts in the make-up industry. The Lady in White signed up for the demo and was instantly put on the high make-up chair set on a platform in the middle of the section. The make-up artist carefully wiped away the previous make-up that the lady had applied at home. Then with deft strokes of her brush she applied the concealer and lustrous foundation. Skilfully,  she turned the lady's eyes into completely unrecognisable cat-like eyes with impossibly long eyelashes. After putting on a rosy blush, she sculpted the lady's lips into a luscious red bow.
"Well, what do you think?" she asked handing the lady a mirror.
The Lady in White looked into the mirror in disbelief and fluttered her eyelashes in Marilyn Monroe style.
"Oh la la, is that really me?"
The audience of young women who were filled with awe, gleefully clapped in appreciation.
The make-up artist took a bow and our Lady in White walked away like a fairy-tale princess.
On her way out, she came across, the nail colour counter. Its palette of testers had a particularly bright silver. The lady quickly put it on and finished off all that was left in the tester bottle.
When she was done, she spotted the most expensive perfume on the opposite shelf. Spraying herself generously with the tester perfume, she floated along into the shoe shop.
"Wow, isn't that mother of pearl?" the lady exclaimed as she felt the glaze on the shoes.
"Yes, madam" agreed the polite salesman "We just have one pair of these so they are special. For a special lady like you."
Slipping on the pair of shoes, our Lady in White was ready to rock the party.

(Watch this space for Part II to find out what happened at the party.)

(Photo courtesy: Google images)

 

(The Lady in White is Anna's creation. If you are in the mood for humour, do look up the label on top for more such stories.)

The Food Review

Being a celebrity, the lady in white is regularly invited on TV shows, book launches, openings of supermarkets, and other such grand events around town.

On one such occasion, she was invited to a popular TV show to review the creative culinary art of a famous international chef.

She arrived in her elegant white linen trousers teamed with a lacy shirt. The click of her stilettoes announced her entrance in the kitchen studio.

As he shook hands with her, the chef noticed her expensive white clothes and made a mental note to offer her an apron when she watched him cook.
"Today I am going to make a special dish for you" he said to the lady in white as he smiled at the camera.
"Oooo...I am so flattered" cooed the lady.
He offered her the red apron while saying to the camera that he did not want to ruin her wonderful whites. The lady found the red apron disgusting as it smelled of garlic and onions and vinegar, etc. She made a face (off camera) but said nothing.
"I call this dish 'White Delight' as it is inspired by you" said the chef as he looked at her adoringly.
He then assembled a dish made up of dried ginger, baked beetroots, raw cabbage and topped it with fried vanilla ice-cream.
He delicately arranged this creative masterpiece on a heart-shaped white dish with a dash of honey on the side and a generous sprinkle of sun-dried tomato sauce.
Then he proudly presented it to the lady in white.
She sniffed it reluctantly and said, "It smells as wonderful as it looks."
He urged her to taste it and handed her a spoon.
She hesitated at first and then picked up a squidgy-bit in the spoon and put it in her mouth.
Immediately, she made a face like a baby does when she tastes an orange for the first time.
Luckily for her, the camera was focussed on the chef who was explaining how this recipe was influenced by a variety of culinary traditions around the world.
"And, my dear," he said turning to her, "how do you like it?"
In the meanwhile, noticing that nobody was looking at her, the lady had surreptitiously chucked her mouthful of whatever-it-was into the bin strategically placed under the table.
Noticing the camera focussed on her, she clapped her hands and said,
"I have never tasted anything quite like this before. The subtle influence of the different flavours put together created a spectacular effect. You are a true genius!"

(Picture courtesy: Google images)

(The Lady in White is Anna's creation. If you are in the mood for humour, do look up the label on top for more such stories.)

Express Shopping

The rhythmic click of her stilettos made people look up as the lady in white entered the supermarket.
Weekends are not good times for shopping in the fruits and vegetable section. There were harried housewives with babies, matronly mothers of large families, single men and women, all choosing the choicest and the freshest produce.
Abandoned trolleys laden with groceries lay here and there while their owners rushed around to gather more goodies.
There was a long queue at the weighing counter.
The lady in white had only five items on her beautifully hand-written  alphabetical list - bananas, beans, cucumbers, oranges, and watermelon.
She quickly looked around and spotted these items in the abandoned trolleys near her. Picking up the things that she wanted from these trolleys, she checked them for weight and price stickers, and with a click of her stilettos, marched up to the billing counter near the exit.

(This is another one of Anna's comical stories. This lady in white is also featured in  http://freshmintandlemon.blogspot.com/2014/09/a-piece-of-cake.html )

A Piece of Cake

There is a special birthday in the family today. We spent last evening baking cakes. Here is a cake story for you... and a little piece of cake too!


A lady came to tea. She was the guest of honour.
Dressed elegantly in an immaculately white satin blouse and skirt that fitted her svelte figure perfectly, she sat gently on the couch with one leg nicely crossed over the other. Her tan leather peep-toe shoes were the trendiest thing in the room.
With pursed lips which were painted a rosy pink, she made pleasant comments in the conversation.
The hostess brought out her new bone-china tea set with the pattern of delicate flowers and poured hot tea in the teapot. The living room filled with a toasty warmth.
The lady in white watched in appreciation as the hostess balanced the big cake on a filigreed silver tray. Being the guest of honour, the hostess urged the lady in white to help herself to the cake.
The lady took the knife, cut out a neat little triangular piece of the cake and set it on a plate. Then, thoughtfully, she placed a fork next to it.
After that she picked up the rest of the cake from the silver tray with both hands like a squirrel and ate it.


(This is one of Anna's comical stories. Recently she has been coming up with a lot of similar ideas. If you like this whimsical lady, let me inform you that she is also featured in other posts under the label 'The Lady in White'.)

On Men

There are tall, dark men with a lot of hair.

There are charming men who woo maidens fair.

There are posh men - gelled, crisp, nice shoes.

There are rich, important men - always in the news.

They are all nice, but I haven't figured out why

I like the ones with a twinkle in the eye.

Those who can make an ordinary girl laugh

(What luck!) Just like my better half.



(Picture courtesy: Google Images)

Nadi Pariksha

“Just an examination of the pulse?” asked Cathy.

“Yes, it is an ancient Ayurvedic technique called Nadi Pariksha” I assured her.

“The doctor will feel your pulse for a while with his fingers and then give you a diagnosis. It can be quite accurate if you go to a good doctor.”

Cathy was suffering from nothing in particular and had a persistent feeling of having a dreadful disease whose symptoms surface when it’s too late. Like most people, she disliked invasive clinical procedures, so this technique appealed to her immediately.

...

“Good morning, doctor!” Cathy greeted in her big booming voice.

The young Ayurvedic doctor stood up and shyly shook her hand as he responded to her greeting.

“Madam, please sit down” he said politely as he gestured to the chair beside his.

“My symptoms are not very obvious, you see... it’s just...” said Cathy as she laboriously lowered her weight into the chair.

“Please don’t tell me anything" said the doctor with a twinkle in his eye. "Let me find out after I feel your pulse.”

This was an unusual experience for Cathy.

The doctor wrote down her name and other details on a notepad. Then he rolled up his shirt sleeves and instructed Cathy to stretch out her hand.

He placed his fingers on her wrist and felt tried to feel her pulse. He had to adjust his fingers a little before he found the right spot. When he did, he closed his eyes. His head bowed down as he concentrated.

Cathy observed that his face was completely neutral but his breathing showed signs of distress.

She had several predictions about her diagnosis and waited expectantly. It was difficult to face a doctor and not explain her health woes.

After what seemed like a long uncomfortable silence, the doctor opened his eyes and slowly released Cathy’s wrist.

“Well?” asked Cathy.

“Madam, are you ...er... constipated?” he said, not looking directly at her.

Cathy felt like a deflating balloon.

“No” she replied.

Then she looked at him, and asked with a mischievous grin, “Are you?”
(We love Cathy's sense of humour.)

"No" replied the doctor as he smiled back.

"But its not a nice feeling when I am. Madam, let me prescribe a few herbal teas for you to ease your digestion. You will certainly feel better in a week."

...

(Photo courtesy: Google Images)

A Fall

It was a comical sight.
I was going down a slope at full speed on my bicycle day before yesterday. I turned round a corner to find a car parked there. I braked hard, lost my balance, and fell down. 
I fell down in slow motion. Firstly I rested on my right palm, then right elbow, then right arm, and then the right side. 
The bicycle, clueless after losing its rider, decided to fall on top of me.

I dusted my aching behind as I raised myself up after pushing the bicycle aside. 
Then I saw them - a girl and a boy and their parents.
They were supposed to be jogging along the jogging path when they saw me fall. 
When the children saw me, they pointed out and giggled.
When the adults saw me looking at them, they quickly turned around, pulled the children and went their way, pretending that they did not witness my embarrassing fall.   
I am sure they laughed to themselves as they went along. 
I laughed to myself about what had made them laugh.

A Most Peculiar Situation

People talk about the missing plane

Was it hijacked or did it drown?

Relatives and friends wait and watch

Day after day more speculations abound. 

My wife and I had kissed goodbye

On that fearfully fateful night.

But I visited my girlfriend instead

Though I had booked a seat on that flight.

Most peculiar is my present situation

For I hide in my girlfriend’s apartment.

Whiling away in guilt and shame

These dark days of bitter torment.


(Inspired by a text message from a friend, BJM.)

If

In one little town, guests are considered gods and welcomed with a cup of tea.

When times are hard, the host says in despair,

“If we had milk, we could have borrowed sugar and made tea, but we don’t have tea-powder too!”

... 

In another busy town, a dinner guest complains,

“If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the fish, and the fish as young as the maid, and the maid as willing as the hostess, it would have been a very good meal.”

 

You must be joking!

“Hello?” I answer the phone half-heartedly.

 I had been dozing off nicely snuggled in bed with a high fever one afternoon.

“Congratulations, Madam! You have won a cash prize of 20,000 Rials!”

I am speechless.

“Madam, are you there?”

“Yes.”

“Your phone number was entered in a draw and you have won the cash prize of 20,000 Rials. Your name has been flashing on the local Omani TV news channels for the last three days. Didn’t you know?”

“No.”

This cannot be true. I have never won a prize in my life but I have been pretty much satisfied with everything that God has bestowed upon me.

I tell myself that a fever sometimes causes hallucinatory effects. This experience was a particularly pleasant one so I decide to play along.

“So Madam” the male voice at the other end continued, “to claim your prize you have to give us your SIM number. Do you know your SIM number?”

“No.”

“Ok. I will call you after five minutes. Please check your SIM number and tell me. Only thing is don’t tell anybody about this.”

Now I am wide awake and realise that I am not hallucinating.

“Remember, Madam, I will call you in five minutes. Give us the SIM number and don’t tell anybody else.”

“Why not?” I ask as he hangs up.

He had asked me to do the impossible. A woman cannot hold such explosive information for long. So I call my husband and tell him.

“Why do you entertain such calls? Don’t tell me that you believed him.” My husband sounds annoyed. I can hear a meeting going on in the office.

“If he calls again, tell him you will report him to the police. These people are out to dupe others. And please don’t give him your SIM number in any condition.”

“Ok” I agree.

The phone rings after five minutes. I do not answer.

It rings again. I do not answer.

................................................

A few days later I am sitting in the school playground waiting for my daughter.

“Hello?”

“May I speak to Mr. Lemos? I have some good news.” says a chirpy Omani young woman.

“Mr. Lemos has gone to India. May I take a message for him?”

“Is this his phone number?” she asks.

“Yes, I am his wife. I use his phone.”

“Congratulations, Mrs. Lemos. Your husband has won a holiday voucher of 3000 Rials!” she squeals.

I am on my guard immediately.

“May I know who is calling?” I demand sternly.

“My name is Ayesha. I am calling from Nawras – your phone company” she answers puzzled by my sternness.

“You said that my husband won a prize. Please explain.”

“Madam, there was a phone call made from this phone number which was entered in a draw. Your husband has won the prize” she said patiently.

“I will call you after two days to give you more details. Congratulations!” she chirps again.

“Ok, we’ll see.” I say and hang up.

For a while I debate with myself whether to call my husband and tell him.

Then I call him.

“You must be joking!” he answered “How many times have I told you.....”

“She was a nice girl. She sounded so genuine. It might be true. Congratulations, Mr. Lemos” I start chirping too.

“Please spare me these hoax calls. I am at work. If you are so sure, why don’t you visit the Nawras office and find out for yourself?” he challenges.

So I go to the Nawras office.

They say, “Congratulations, it’s true!”